Where to start...
It's been over a month since she passed, and only now can I finally sit down to write this. Still, the pain is fresh, and so are the tears... Here we go...
My parents were divorced when I was 8. I was so young that it barely phased me, especially since I was able to see my dad every 3rd weekend of the month. That changed when I turned 13.
Around my 13th birthday I received a phone call from my dad. He was moving to North Carolina for work, and I quickly realized how lonely I'd be. My mom had since remarried, so I asked my parents for a dog. Not just any dog, I wanted a beagle with green eyes- like mine. Not just any beagle, a friend. I wasn't popular in grade school, and I did have a few friends, but rarely saw them after school. After months of begging and pleading, we found a classified ad about a family that was giving up, you guessed it, a beagle with green eyes.
The Green Eyed Devil
As we entered their home, we were "greeted" by The Beagle Blur. Before I could even get a good look at her, she had made 6 laps around the living room and darted into the bathroom. There, for the first time, I laid eyes on the high energy, "dilute copper nose" (as I later found out, was the technical term for her color), bundle of fur that would [frustrate me, infuriate me, love me] save my life. Her name was Kandie, and her papers indicated a birthday of 11/3/2000. She was 14mo old.
The first 3 months were intense. She was food aggressive, crate aggressive, and generally hated being touched. After 3 months I said, "This is ridiculous. I'll have to teach her to love me". So I reached my hand inside the cage while she was eating and got bit. Hard. (I still have the scar). I still remember screaming at her with, "I WILL TOUCH YOU! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! THEY'LL KILL YOU!" It was true. She had been so impossible to deal with that she lived in her crate. Only came out for bathroom breaks. She was mean, chewed on everything, and refused to listen or learn. My parents wondered if she was better off dead- if we had given her up, she would have been, without a doubt. It was weird though...After she bit me that night everything changed. She trusted me, I was finally able to train her and show her humans were ok. I saved her life.
Throughout her 13 years, Kandie had an incredibly rough life. She was rehomed for almost 2 years while we prepared to move- I visited often. When the move was complete I welcomed her back. Her secondary owners had continued her training and at 3 years of age she was finally potty trained. Don't let her face fool you, she was a typical, food stealing, excitement howling, escape artist, beagle. She tore up precious clothes when she was upset, she had to be muzzled to get her nails trimmed, and I never knew if I was giving her a bath or taking her for a walk, or if it was the other way around.
Still, she was my everything.
The Green Eyed Angel
In 2008 I was diagnosed with clinical despression. Unsure as to exactly what it meant, it definitely explained a lot... Throughout that time, Kandie was there. No matter how sad, angry, or depressed I was- I was responsible for her. She forced me, everyday, to look outside of myself and remember the world that exists around me.
She was my world.
She always knew if I was having a bad day. She never left my side, cuddled when I was down, played when I was up. It was never too much or too little. She was the smartest dog I ever met- too smart lol.
Without her companionship, I honestly can't say what would have become of me. She reminded me that it was ok to be me, because she loved me anyways. Above all else, that's what I needed- unconditional love. I often felt that I wasn't good enough- in life, in school, in relationships- but not to her. I was good enough for her, so that was that. She reminded me I needed relearn how to love myself, to see myself how she saw me. My little guardian angel... She saved my life.
Another Angel for the Rainbow Bridge
As the years passed, her muzzle grayed, but her movement and spirit never waned. In the end that's what made it hurt the most. It was so sudden..
It's not uncommon for beagles to develop fatty tumors. She had plenty. Every time another popped up, we took her in and we were assured they were benign. Relieved, we went on with our lives. When she started losing weight, we attributed it to her diet change- she was, after all, a beagle and slightly overweight. We were happy! Then she escaped.
She was gone for 3 days. We received a call from the local vets office that she had been found- but was a little battered. When she escaped she approached a teenage couple. Tail wagging, she trotted over to say "hi". They kicked her, beat her, and left her. An incredible woman witnessed the attack, scooped her up, and took her to the vet. She was so stressed from the ordeal that she had chewed into a tumor at the base of her tail. +1 Cone of Shame, and the reassurance that it could not be sutured closed but would heal on its own, she was brought home.
The problem? The wound never healed on its own, and she lost more weight. She had gone from a healthy 28lbs (she's a taller, 15" beagle), to a mere 14lbs in a matter of months. Concerned it was tied to the tumor on her tail, we took her to the vet. Bloodwork confirmed that something was wrong. Very wrong. In order to remove the tumor (which was unsightly, but not the major health concern), she needed to gain the weight back. The vet was convinced it was either intestinal cancer or doggie Crone's disease. A few months later she was now roughly 10lbs, unable to walk, and in constant pain. She ate like a hot dog eating contestant, but her body simply could not absorb the nutrients...
Finally, in her last week, she was struggling to breathe. With heavy, broken hearts, we all knew it was time. Kandie, you will be forever missed and held in our hearts. Our lives were mirrors of one another; intertwined, I believe, for the purpose of knowing I was never alone. My dog, my angel, my best friend, may you chase the crap out of every furry creature, steal every morsel off the tables of saints, and be peacefully pain free.
Kandie 11/3/2000- 11/18/2013
